Tear me out…ugly…of this
Find me…unlovable…something I
Can feel comfortable…weak…in
That won’t make…stupid…me
Feel…worthless…like a freak
When I go out…disgusting…in
Public so that…imbecile…I can
My Mom just accidentally prematurely sent an email to an accounting firm… It was supposed to say ‘I am afraid that we will have to postpone our meeting”
but she hit send when all it said was
I am afraid
I hate when I tell people I can’t swim and they respond with “it’s easy just doggy paddle” or “people naturally float anyway”.
Yep. Thanks. Solved my problem. Where can I sign up for the Olympic swim team?
I’m in a hotel room. The sun slithers over the slept in bed and travels across the pale carpet to where I’m leaned against the dresser. Head is tilted down to my feet; one resting against the rug, the other resting against the adjacent shin. Not thinking about anything in particular, not sure what landscape is coming to life outside of my window; appreciating the connection between my foot and solid ground, my foot and my skin.
I lift my head, back still curved toward my intertwined hands resting against my thighs. The room has the lingering sent of the three-quarters empty bottle of vodka to the left of me and the still smell of a not-so-lucrative hotel. Freedom.
Freedom I’m not sure I should have. I place both feet to the ground and stretch, when my arms lower, the hand closest to the vodka holds on to the neck for dear life.
There’s nothing left for me, just freedom, but all I want to do with it is let go..
I’m in my room at home, staring blankly at my wall. The blinds are closed to any light, laundry sits waiting to be folded for the trek back to school. My hair is nearly undone but still partially in braids, waiting to be washed. Papers are strewn across my floor, waiting to be worked on. My family sounds in the background, loving the illusion of my presence while blissfully ignorant to the lack of it. It smells of inescapable. There is no vodka; instead there are voices in my head.
I focus back on the wall and try to find my way back to freedom, whether I should have it or not…
Not necessarily a bofriend or girlfriend, (although that would be fabulous) but a loving relationship with another individual who I can rely on spiritually, mentally, physically and verbally. I want someone who is compatible with my energy and can feel my vibes. Someone I can communicate with easily and share my thoughts and ideas with. A person who will hold my hand, cuddle with me, touch me in all the right areas, kiss me, whatever I desire. I want a love.
Basically my life.
Wow, thank you so much :)!!