Anxiety pumps through my veins like a sedative that allows exhaustion but no rest. I can’t escape the pain in my stomach. I’m trying to face my life but it feels like I’m reaching up to knock on a door as the ground slowly falls away. My knuckles just keep missing, and the motions are hurried and desperate.
There’s also a kind of distance blossoming. Between myself and my feelings. An apathetic bridge, and the river in-between is the blood in my veins, laden with sorrow, despair, hopelessness, anxiety, and then the apathy wins over and I’m filled with nothing.
I just want to be by myself. At the same time, I don’t want to be by myself at all. I want to be with my best friend in her dorm room listening to music and being together. I want to watch scandal with her cuddled up. I want to dance as we travel between places for no reason other than everything that is wrong with every aspect of our lives.
And then I am alone. And the solitude breaks my mind, leaves it confused and incapable of remembering anything beyond twelve hours prior or sometimes even with that time period. The war between emotions I can do nothing with and nothing at all steals my ability to sleep, and with tears and screams drowning under the nothingness I sit up and do meaningless things until the sun rises.
I could call someone, or message someone, but there’s no point. Everything is becoming pointless. It’s scary, but sometimes talking to the people who mean most feels pointless. Sometimes I begin to talk and then the apathy wins over and I just.. mid typing, or mid their typing, feel like dropping my phone. Its a weird slow motion kind of feeling. I’ve done it. I can hear the phone going off, and I know what it means, but I can only stare blankly at the wall. I have to push through miles of fog and nothingness and simultaneously everything to reach down and pick the phone back up.
But I’m so tired. Talking, or coming up with things to say gets hard. Gets heavy. I feel all these things and yet.. nothing is able to come to the surface. Only ever that I love them. I love everything about them, I love every side every angle.
But I’m so tired. Not like, I’m going to kill myself tired. I could, but just, I’m going to lay down now. And I lay down, and I love them, but I feel nothing. And I want to do nothing, I wish I didn’t need to breathe or blink or see or smell. Yet at the same time I constantly feel something, just blanketed. The pain in my stomach, the anxiety in my veins. Rarely is everything so blanketed that I can lay still. I roll over and shift and my joints and muscles hurt against the contrast.
I want to open my mouth, I want to speak and I want it to make sense to me. I want to be honest and feel less like I’m worthless. To everyone. But instead feel the truth I know in my mind somewhere; that I’m worth it to who I talk to. But I fall mute and my mouth shuts and the words fall away, almost like when I drop my phone and stare at walls, but with my mouth and someone breathing on the other side of the line and I just fall away. The fog gets so heavy. It just gets so heavy. I want to hold onto the person on the other side of the line but it’s so heavy, everything is so heavy I…
I sit here with music playing and my body aching, whether I lay or I sit or I stand, and my eyes are tired and my body is tired because I can’t sleep. I think of my other best friend, and his current situation, and how I wish I could be better. How I wish I wasn’t drowning in my fog, and I wish talking about it was possible let alone felt pointful. I want to be a good friend, more than just listening and offering my hand.
And then the fog comes, and I.. I just need to lay down.
Can’t even finish this entry.